A place to clear my head…

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I feel like I’m drowning

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ~ Thomas Edison

I had a moment of weakness today.  I broke down and told myself that I was giving up.  I can’t continue fighting for nothing, it just isn’t in me anymore.  Just thinking those words, I Give Up, made me feel like a complete failure.  Like I WAS fighting for nothing.  Because if I can’t find the will to put a smile on my face and keep moving forward, then I AM a failure.

At this point I think I need to give a little insight into my life.  Maybe then you will understand why it’s so important to me to continue moving forward, even when I feel like the sky is falling.

 

I am a 29-year-old single mother to two amazing little boys.  They are my everything.  My reason for being.

My everything

My reason for breathing

 

Due to circumstances beyond my control at this point, they live with their father.  At the time, I thought it was what was best for them.  As time went by, I realized I was wrong, but it was too late to go back.  These two little boys deserve the world, and I wish that I could give it to them.  Unfortunately their father takes every dime he can drain out of me in child support so I’m left with very little to live on at the end of the week.

This is where my moment of weakness came in.

I checked my bank account to see how much my check was going to be and was devastated to see a pending deposit of $37.00.  It was at that point that I realized, no matter how hard I try, I’m always going to struggle.  It’s always going to be an up hill battle.  How could anyone see the light at the end of that tunnel?  So I told myself I was giving up.

“When things go wrong, don’t go with them.” ~Elvis Presley

As hard as it is to believe sometimes, there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel…  Even if it’s just a small one.  No matter how bad things seem, they always have to get better.  Right?

Here’s where things get difficult for me.  Most people in my situation would turn to religion.  They’ll pray to God to make things better.  I can’t do that.  I’ve spent most of my life not really sure of the existence of God.  I never felt comfortable with religion.  I remember trying to go to church when I was younger, and being bored to the point of getting up and walking out.  My point is, I don’t have an outlet for my feelings of weakness and failure.  I simply shove it all down, force myself up off the ground, and keep plugging away.  I don’t know any other way…

So a funny thing happened as I sat crying, trying to figure out how I am going to survive for the next week.  Through the darkness I saw just a tiny pinpoint of light.  Most people probably wouldn’t have even seen it.  But I did.  And I dried my eyes, picked myself up, and started walking towards it.  That’s the secret right there.  You must walk.  Because if you run, you’ll scare it away.  It starts with baby steps.  Eventually you’ll get there, but you can’t rush it.  Nothing great happens overnight.  There’s no instant miracle.  It will only come with hard work and perseverance.  Do I have all the answers yet?  Absolutely not.  Do I know how I’m going to eat for the next week?  Sure don’t.  But I do know that I won’t get where I’m going by standing still.  The first step, that baby step, is getting up tomorrow morning and going to work.  And after enough days of pushing forward even though I feel like I can’t, my life will be amazing.  One day my awesome little family will have everything they deserve.

 

Unanswered questions

Although my brain is about 70% song lyrics and movie quotes, and I suffer from a semi-severe self diagnosed case of ADD, I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person.  I understand a lot about life and about people, but one thing that I don’t think I’ll ever understand is human behavior.  Sometimes I think I would love to have the ability to read minds, but then I remember that if I could do that I would realize people don’t think I’m half as awesome as I think I am, and that would make me really sad.  Still though…  I would love to know what makes people tick.  What causes them to make the choices they make?

How do three siblings, all raised in the same household, develop completely different personalities and character traits?  How do two of them develop crippling drug habits and the third not?  How does one manage to see positive in every situation no matter how bad it is, and one have an absolute hatred for life and everything about it?  I feel bad for people who hold onto their anger and hate.  The people who can’t see the good in anything.  I understand life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows but it’s not really that bad is it?  I can’t be that naive…  I absolutely try to see positive in every negative situation, because if I let my anger and hatred consume me, I’ll lose all the things about me that make me who I am.  And I’m pretty awesome.  No ones life is perfect, but that’s not really a reason to stop living right?

Another thing I don’t understand is couples.  Maybe I’ve been single for too long, but I don’t understand why people seem to lose their individual self when they become a couple.  Why does “I” have to become “we”?  Call me crazy but I think it’s perfectly okay to maintain your singular identity while being in a relationship.  When I’m talking to you and ask “How are you?”  I don’t expect to get a “We are doing great!” response.  I asked how YOU were doing.  You are still one person right?  I think this is one of the reasons I sabotage most chances at a relationship.  I like myself too much.  I don’t want to become a we.  I want to stay a me.  Because me is awesome.  Is that normal?  I generally don’t strive for normalcy, but I don’t want to be too weird.

Last but not least is social media behavior.  I have fallen victim to the black hole that is Facebook, so I’m not going to take an anti-social media stance.  What I don’t understand is people who feel the need to post every detail about everything in their life on Facebook or Twitter.  I look at the things some of my friends post and I often wonder how I’m friends with these people.  Some of them really are bat shit insane, no matter how normal they seem otherwise.  I can not stand that people air all their drama for the world to see.  I don’t care that you’re upset and pissed off because your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you for the 728th time.  If you keep taking them back then you deserve it, and I don’t need to read about it every 12 days.  I could care less what your asshole distant relative did to piss your cat off.  It doesn’t affect my life in any way.  Find something to be happy about and stop bogging people down with your problems.  It just makes you an attention whore.  Lastly, my page is my page.  If I want to say “fuck”, I’m gonna say it.  Don’t lecture me about “You’re a mom, you shouldn’t talk like that.”  Yes.  I am a mom.  I am a mom and I say fuck.  A lot.  Get over it.  It’s been said a thousand times, if you don’t like what’s on my page, don’t look at it.  It will not hurt my feelings if you delete me…    I know this seemingly contradicts my previous statement about not being a whiny bitch all the time, but it really is a totally different situation…  That may have made more sense in my head?

 

 

Life… Is… Good…

I often wish that I could step outside of myself and see me from someone elses eyes.  See what others see in me.  The idea scares the shit out of me because, as much as we like to say we don’t care what other people think, the truth is we do care.  Acceptance, sadly, is one of the most important things to us.  We want recognition and respect for the things we do.  We want the world to like us, and it crushes our spirit just a little bit when we find out someone may not like us.  I am not immune from this.  I crave acceptance just as much as anyone else does.  I just got home from another 15 hour day of work.  I hurt everywhere, I’m so exhausted I can barely see straight, but I feel good.  I feel proud.  I feel like I’m accomplishing something.  BUT does everyone else around me see how hard I’m trying?  I will shamefully admit that part of my motivation is so someone, anyone will notice and say. “You know what?  I’m really proud of you.”  Through this endless journey of acceptance I have realized a few things.  One of those things is we spend so much of our time obsessing over and trying to change the things we have no control over.  Maybe once in awhile we need to step back and just let life happen.  Stop trying so damn hard all the time.  I know that everything good in life needs to be earned, but if you can’t take a step back and just “be” then how will you be able to enjoy the rewards of your hard work?  The other thing I have come to realize is people are generally very unhappy…  And they have no problems projecting that unhappiness on you and anyone else that will listen.  My advice to people like this is:  As a general rule, people are naturally selfish.  Whatever your problems are, theirs are 100 times worse.  It’s not that we don’t care about your problems, but when we put yours next to ours, it just doesn’t measure up.  And please stop bogging total strangers down with everything that is going wrong in your life at this moment.  When your local gas station cashier asks you how you are, they are asking to be polite.  Because that is what they are paid to do.  Proper protocol here is to smile and say, “I’m good, how are you?”  The point I would like to get across here is simply this:  Find joy in the little things in life.  Even if you feel like the sky is falling, find a reason to smile.  Wake up every day and just decide to be awesome.  It really is that simple.  I started to live my life this way and life has been pretty damn good.  Even with all the bad things.

 

And so the adventure begins…

Lately my mind has been a very chaotic place…  At any given time I have thousands of thoughts flying around completely lost in my head.  I hope this will be a place for me to sort out these thoughts and quiet the screaming in my brain long enough to sleep at night.  So if I begin to ramble and not make sense, please bear with me.  It will take some time to organize the chaos.

 

Through all the hardships and heartache I have encountered in my life, I try really hard to maintain a positive outlook on life.  Things are always going to get better.  I may struggle, but I always say it’s leading up to something great.  I live my life as if something amazing is about to happen.  That being said, I have to admit it’s really hard to not be cynical…  I see many people truly fighting their way up from the bottom, to continuously get kicked back down.  And then I see people complain about their horrible life right before they get into their brand new car and drive away.  I strongly believe your life is a direct result of the choices and decisions you make.  If your life is bad, start making better decisions.  Unfortunately, sometimes the damage is already done though.  You can start making all the right decisions, but you’re always going to be stuck in an uphill battle.  I know this from personal experience.  I refuse to believe my life is never going to amount to anything.  We all get knocked down on our way to the top.  How you handle the setbacks in your life is what defines you as a person.  You either roll over and let it consume you, or you get up, brush yourself off and start climbing again.  I refuse to give in.  I may be in a constant uphill battle, but for every step I lose, I get back up and gain three more.  The problem with people is they spend so much time waiting for something good to happen, instead of making it happen.  Nothing in life comes easy and you have to fight for everything you want.  I decided a long time ago that I was going to live my life rather than just exist in it, and although I may not be perfect, I’ve come a long way from where I was.