A place to clear my head…

I can’t breathe

I close my eyes as the waves close in.  I take a deep breath and I’m under water.  I try to kick my legs but I can’t move.  Panic sets in as my lungs begin to burn.  A million thoughts race through my mind as the world around me gets darker…  I’m a failure…  Nothing I do is right…  No matter how hard I fight, the waves are always going to consume me…  I feel myself letting go.  I’m helpless and lost, watching my life unravel, powerless to stop it.  The world goes dark and finally my mind is quiet.

Sometimes you don’t realize you’re actually drowning when you’re trying to be everyone else’s anchor…

 I have made a lot of bad choices in my life.  I know that, and I accept that.  I make no excuses for what I was.  All I can do is spend the rest of my life trying to be a better person than I was before.  But how many times can a person get kicked in the face before they say enough is enough.  How many times can you fail before you throw down your sword and stop fighting?  I don’t have unrealistic expectations  when it comes to life.  I don’t expect fame, fortune, and adoration.  I don’t expect to have anything handed to me.  I expect to work hard for everything.  And that is exactly what I do.  I work two jobs, sometimes totaling 17 hours a day.  I rarely say no to working on my day off or taking on tasks that may be outside the realm of my normal responsibilities.  I work hard.  And I’m good at my jobs.  I don’t do drugs.  I don’t spend my life in a bar, I hardly even drink…  I drank two beers this week, and for me, that’s a lot.  I do the best I can for my children and my family.  I’m loyal to my friends and loved ones.  I strive to be someone who my children and my family can be proud of.  So why is it so hard for me to look in the mirror at the end of the day?  Why this constant feeling of inadequacy?  I am blessed to have a great support system.  I have a wonderful family that loves me unconditionally.  I have the best friends that anyone could ask for, but I feel so detached from all of them.  Everyone sees me as this strong person.  What they don’t realize is, I’m a coward…  I don’t give up because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of what people will say about me.  I’m afraid of what my family will think of me.  I have a desperate need to feel loved and accepted because even when I’m surrounded by people, I feel like I’m alone.  I feel like no one really knows me.  Because I put on a smile, and crack jokes, and make everyone believe I’m indestructible.  But in reality, I’m a scared child trying to figure out how to fake my way through the rest of my life.  Because the minute I show a shred of weakness, no one knows what to say or how to react.  I’m told, “Stop it.  I’m not going to let you do that.  This is not how we solve problems.  There’s no crying.”  I’ll be honest, I don’t know how to be strong anymore.  I don’t know how to fake it…  I understand now how people get so consumed by their demons that the only way out is to end their life.  I’m not saying I could ever do it.  Because I’m a coward.  But I understand it.  Sometimes all the money and all the help in the world can’t shut out the voices that come in the night.  Those voices that tell you you’re a failure, and you’ll never be anything.

When you’re in the middle of your uncontrollable descent into depression and hopelessness, your problems do not seem temporary.  Your problems consume every part of you and the light at the end of the tunnel does not exist anymore.  It’s not as simple as just waking up and deciding to be happy.  It’s not as easy as “Just keep trying”, because you’ve been trying.  You have woken up and decided to be happy.  But at the end of the day, you just feel empty and alone.  So when your life is falling apart, and you have no one to turn to, and no religion to rely on, what do you do?  What is the next step?  Because I’m out of ideas.  Maybe I should just let go…

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3 responses

  1. R.K. Hook

    All of the fear and emotions you feel aren’t exactly uncommon. You’re alive. You’re supposed to feel like this at times. Where did these feelings come from? Can you trace it back to the source and cut it off by the stem? Try looking back to when you first realized you were “failing”. You’re never failing when you’re living because sometimes waking up and getting out of bed alive is triumph. Learning to cope and deal with everything thrown at you is a WIN. Failure is impossible when you’re constantly fighting. The waves shall role over you, but that’s okay, because waves will always recede.

    Liked by 1 person

    September 6, 2014 at 5:23 am

    • I get overwhelmed when feel like I’m fighting for nothing. I keep trying to get my head above the water but I’m not getting anywhere…

      Like

      September 6, 2014 at 11:37 pm

  2. R.K. Hook

    The waves shall “ROLL” not fucking role. Damn it.

    Like

    September 6, 2014 at 5:25 am

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