A place to clear my head…

I feel like I’m drowning

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ~ Thomas Edison

I had a moment of weakness today.  I broke down and told myself that I was giving up.  I can’t continue fighting for nothing, it just isn’t in me anymore.  Just thinking those words, I Give Up, made me feel like a complete failure.  Like I WAS fighting for nothing.  Because if I can’t find the will to put a smile on my face and keep moving forward, then I AM a failure.

At this point I think I need to give a little insight into my life.  Maybe then you will understand why it’s so important to me to continue moving forward, even when I feel like the sky is falling.

 

I am a 29-year-old single mother to two amazing little boys.  They are my everything.  My reason for being.

My everything

My reason for breathing

 

Due to circumstances beyond my control at this point, they live with their father.  At the time, I thought it was what was best for them.  As time went by, I realized I was wrong, but it was too late to go back.  These two little boys deserve the world, and I wish that I could give it to them.  Unfortunately their father takes every dime he can drain out of me in child support so I’m left with very little to live on at the end of the week.

This is where my moment of weakness came in.

I checked my bank account to see how much my check was going to be and was devastated to see a pending deposit of $37.00.  It was at that point that I realized, no matter how hard I try, I’m always going to struggle.  It’s always going to be an up hill battle.  How could anyone see the light at the end of that tunnel?  So I told myself I was giving up.

“When things go wrong, don’t go with them.” ~Elvis Presley

As hard as it is to believe sometimes, there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel…  Even if it’s just a small one.  No matter how bad things seem, they always have to get better.  Right?

Here’s where things get difficult for me.  Most people in my situation would turn to religion.  They’ll pray to God to make things better.  I can’t do that.  I’ve spent most of my life not really sure of the existence of God.  I never felt comfortable with religion.  I remember trying to go to church when I was younger, and being bored to the point of getting up and walking out.  My point is, I don’t have an outlet for my feelings of weakness and failure.  I simply shove it all down, force myself up off the ground, and keep plugging away.  I don’t know any other way…

So a funny thing happened as I sat crying, trying to figure out how I am going to survive for the next week.  Through the darkness I saw just a tiny pinpoint of light.  Most people probably wouldn’t have even seen it.  But I did.  And I dried my eyes, picked myself up, and started walking towards it.  That’s the secret right there.  You must walk.  Because if you run, you’ll scare it away.  It starts with baby steps.  Eventually you’ll get there, but you can’t rush it.  Nothing great happens overnight.  There’s no instant miracle.  It will only come with hard work and perseverance.  Do I have all the answers yet?  Absolutely not.  Do I know how I’m going to eat for the next week?  Sure don’t.  But I do know that I won’t get where I’m going by standing still.  The first step, that baby step, is getting up tomorrow morning and going to work.  And after enough days of pushing forward even though I feel like I can’t, my life will be amazing.  One day my awesome little family will have everything they deserve.

 

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